Coaching for Life

In my continued efforts at establishing a business, I put together an advice column for the local paper, written in response to questions solicited from you, my friends and family.

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I have this crazy dream about quitting my job and going back to school full time. Of course this is a pretty terrifying prospect in this economy. What do you think I should do?   ~Anxious in Ash Grove

Dear Anxious: Ah, crazy dreams. They keep the spark going, don’t they? What you should do depends on several factors you’ll need to take into consideration. First, your job. Do you want out because you just want a change, or is your job unbearable and you’re ready to switch careers? Do you currently have debt, school loans or otherwise? Do you have a specific college or university and/or career in mind? How much will your education cost?  How long will you be in school? Are you an undergraduate or are you seeking a graduate degree? Will you be able to work part time while going to school? What  are the job prospects in your field?

Even with some financial aid I’m assuming you’ll be taking out loans. If you already have debt you’ll be adding to it, and you’ll have to carefully weigh that and the cost of your education against your future earning potential, assuming you’ll get a job immediately after graduating. Even so-called inflation-proof jobs like nursing are flagging in this economy. And don’t assume you’ll get sound financial advice from your school’s financial aid office. They’re in the business of loaning you money. Lots of money.

There’s an awful lot at stake here. If you’re in debt, you need to get out of debt if at all possible, minimize your expenses, live as frugally as you can and have an income stream. Above all, try to avoid incurring further debt. Can you work part time? Alternatively, can you work full time and go to school part time?

I went back to school in the early nineties, which at the time was in the days of easy money. I was able to get a grant and earned my undergraduate degree in two years without incurring any debt. But that’s another story.

So if the school you’ve chosen awards you a full scholarship, I’d wave good-bye to the job and plunge head-first into academia.

 I have a friend who uses “time out” when her child misbehaves. Now time out is a joke to her two-year-old and the mom admits it doesn’t work. As a mom of four and an avid spanker (not beating), how can I convince her that if she doesn’t change this toddler’s behavior now, the consequences of this little lady could be grim in the teen years or beyond?    ~Spanker in Spokane

Dear Spanker:  First, with all due respect, I am not an advocate of spanking, having raised three children with only an occasional swat on the tush in my admittedly weaker moments. And second, I’m wondering why you feel the child will grow into a monster if she isn’t administered physical punishment. And third, I’m curious as to why you feel the need to convince your friend that your disciplinary measures are superior to hers. Although the general rule is that spanking should be done with total objectivity, I’ve never seen a parent spank without emotion. My opinion is that physical punishment teaches the child that the parent is bigger and therefore has more force. The fact that your friend’s child regards time outs as a joke doesn’t mean time outs don’t work, it just means she hasn’t been able to establish good boundaries. I commend you for not beating your children. That said, I would support your friend in her efforts, perhaps suggesting that she seek help from a trusted mentor or reputable therapist about ways to discipline her child without using force.

 How do I tell a friend that her significant other is a bad choice for her? ~Concerned in Chicago

Dear Concerned: Two words. You don’t.  Assuming the significant other has no criminal record and he isn’t prone to violence (in which case you would immediately report the behavior to the proper authorities), you keep your opinions to yourself and hope the relationship improves. If not, you can always hope your friend sees the light and chooses to end the relationship on her own. In the meantime, if you value the friendship, support her in her choices.

Help! How do I deal with clutter?  I can hardly walk through my house without tripping on things.  ~Cluttered in Cleveland

Dear Cluttered: Wow, you sound overwhelmed. First, take a deep breath. The clutter probably didn’t spring up overnight, and it will take some time and effort to get things under control. I grew up in a two-bedroom house with seven family members and vividly recall my mom’s frustrations in trying to keep things ship-shape. If you have young kids, remember the old adage: this too shall pass.

I’m going to assume you’re not a bona fide hoarder, which is beyond my expertise and would require professional help. Now, take a close look around you. Focus on what’s really there and ask yourself: Is there a place for everything but you and/or your family have been too busy to put things away? Or are you an impulse shopper who let things get out of hand? If there’s more stuff than storage, you have to be ruthless about letting go if you really want to declutter. Do you really need three dozen pairs of shoes and five can openers? Has your paperweight collection taken over the living room? If you feel you can’t part with your stuff on your own, ask a trusted friend to help. Of course, you’ll be the one making the decisions, but there will be someone to support you in the process.

Get three giant boxes and label them “throw away,” “give away” and “can’t decide.” Hopefully, you’ll minimize the landfill burden and keep your throwaway pile to a minimum, donating usable clothing and other items to family and friends or to charity. You could take your collectibles to a consignment shop, keeping only a few special pieces. When you can’t make up your mind about an item, put it in the “can’t decide” box. Give yourself 24 hours and revisit the box with the firm resolve to empty it. Keep going until everything has been sorted into give away and throw away.  Then do it.

Depending on how much stuff you have, this process may take several days, even weeks. But don’t let it take too long or you won’t finish.

After the initial shock you may feel lighter as you begin to see more floor space. Make sure there is storage for what you have left, and resolve that once a day you’ll go through the house and put things away. Enlist the help of family members.

Finally, let this be your guide: If you bring something into the house, you must take something out.

 How to deal with friends or family members who don’t discipline their children when in your home? For example, the child creates messes or breaks things, and is completely uncontrolled by the parent? ~Frustrated in Farmington

Dear Frustrated: I presume you don’t have children and your house is not child-proofed. That said, you need to communicate your concerns with the friend or family member. I well remember a young mom who visited my home with her two-year-old, who got into the cat food. Much to my embarrassment, she had consumed several mouthfuls before we discovered her at the cat dish. Suffice it to say that I immediately put the bowl on top of the refrigerator. No harm done.

You might suggest that your visit would be more enjoyable without having the child present. If that’s not possible, suggest they bring some toys for the child to play with. If little Johnnie heads for the porcelain vase, tell him that this is not a toy and direct him back to his playthings. Ask for mom’s help. If that doesn’t work, put everything up high for the duration of the visit. Afterward, you need to consider the value of the visit versus the hassle of keeping the child at bay. You might reiterate that you can’t relax and enjoy your friend’s company when her child is present. You might lose the friendship, but it sounds like your friend’s lack of parenting skills has undermined the enjoyment of her company anyway.

My wife and I attend a little neighborhood wine and cheese session each Friday afternoon hosted by a retired physician and his psychologist wife.  Although the conversation is wide ranging, participants try to stay away from hot-button political topics.  However,  the hostess, who is a bit of a conversation monopolist, always seems to get in a zinger highly critical of people and principles I hold dear. Taking the bait, I usually respond in kind, at which time my wife gives me the “shut up” signal.  Things can get a bit awkward.  Should I boycott these get-togethers, since it seems rude to attack the views of one’s hostess?  Please don’t tell me to continue to attend and politely and shut my mouth.  It’s not going to happen.    ~Outspoken in Omaha

Dear Outspoken: I take it you really don’t want advice here. You’ve laid out the scenario and then said you wouldn’t change, so there’s not much I can add. From what you say, I don’t know if the problem is between you and your hostess or between you and your wife. If things don’t get adversarial, I’d continue to attend and engage in spirited debate with your hostess. If your wife is uncomfortable with the situation and feels you’re attacking the hostess, you might explain to her that differences of opinion make for lively conversation and no harm is intended. If things turn ugly you have two choices. Stop attending or keep doing what you’re doing and expect the outcome to be different. Good luck on that.

 What’s the best way to decline an invitation for a party you don’t want to go to?    ~Reluctant in Rogersville

Dear Reluctant: It’s pretty simple. Thank the person who invited you and say you’re very sorry but you have other commitments that day. If the person insists or gets upset, stick to your guns. You are not responsible for how he or she feels about your decision.

 How do I pursue a second career after 50?           ~Unemployed in Urbana

Dear Unemployed: Your question encompasses huge territory and reflects the sweeping changes that are occurring in today’s economic culture. Gone are the days of working for one company for thirty years and retiring with a comfortable pension.

Regarding your question, whether or not you simply can’t live with your current job  or your choice is based on the possibility of unemployment, you have to forge ahead. That includes a radical change in thinking and attitude, which is definitely daunting. If you’re unemployed or soon to be, the first thing you need to do is minimize your expenses. Get out of debt if you can and cut your spending down to bare bones.

Let’s say you’re looking for a new career by working for someone else. In LifeTwo Walter O’Brien, who left  a long-term career in the music business at the age of 50 to finish his education and pursue a career in journalism, stated, “Never be afraid to jump ship from a job where you’re unhappy or being mistreated . . . But don’t ever think you can’t do better, and never underestimate what you can do if you put your mind to it.” He emphasized that you need to make your own luck, which includes constant networking. I’ve heard it said that when you’re looking for a job your opportunities for landing a job increase if you already have a job. How do you get by that if you’ve been laid off? Let’s assume you want to stay in your field and already have the requisite education. The magic word is volunteer. By volunteering at a library or school or soup kitchen you show initiative and get to meet new people who might be or know potential employers. And you get the added satisfaction of knowing you’ve made a difference in someone’s life.

Let’s say you’re tired of working for someone else and want to try your hand at self-employment. Do you have a hobby you could turn into a business? Do you have an invention that has great sales potential? Do you have a skill you could turn into a consulting business? Regarding start-up, a friend of mine in the real estate business said that the good news is that you can have it all. The bad news is that you have to do it all. With the media explosion of the Internet you can put up a website for relatively little money. You can utilize social networking to advertise your business. Depending on what you have to sell or offer, you can be local or conduct your business nationally or internationally. To help you along the path, you can take classes and/or get a free consultation with a SCORE representative, a nonprofit association that helps small businesses.

You have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to take risks. But know that you’re a pioneer, forging a new path and setting an example for others to follow. Good luck!